My cleaning binge today brought an unexpected treasure – I finally found the copy of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother that I borrowed from a friend!  Now that both my book clubs have discussed it and no one else needs to borrow it, of course.  And I know you are dying to know where I found it: under a couch in our “projector” room (YES, we have a projector & large screen, and we rarely go to the movie theater anymore.  That’s a post for another day!)  I’m blaming the kids for that one.

*********************************************************

There are two book clubs to which I belong.  One group is from my MOMS Club chapter, and we get together every other month.  Our meetings include the rugrats, so discussion is at a minimum and we read lighter, faster books.

The other is the one I blog about more often, since we meet monthly and read & discuss more deeply.  Of course, it helps that I am the only one with kids whose ages are single digits. All the women in this group are from our church, Salem EFC, but we read a variety of genres: historical fiction, non-fiction, adolescent literature, classics, Christian lit, and contemporary fiction.  The goal is to rotate through each genre twice a year.

I love it when I can get both book clubs to read the same book at about the same time! As you can imagine, this doesn’t happen all that often.  But recently we all decided to read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.

************************************************************

As I do frequently, here is a recap of the Salem book club:

Topics we discussed NOT related to the book (and color me surprised that ‘boobs’ isn’t listed!):

Traveling with kids – some had/have kids who pass out and sleep the whole time. NOT ME.
Wedding dresses – member KE’s daughter is getting married soon, and was fortunate enought to find FOUR dresses at a bridal shop that she liked, AND they fit, AND were under $200!
Tornados -  Wear your bike helmet if you have to take cover! Get in the tub & put a mattress on top!  Also, insurance companies will pay to have your carpet replaced if windows shatter.
Communication for college students – access to cell phones & internet have changed how students form relationships at school.  This also applies to foreign – exchange students.

Regarding the actual BOOK:

Overall, I liked the book and thought it was actually more amusing than expected –  and in some spots laugh out loud funny.  The exerpts published in other places and then criticized missed this aspect, as well Chua’s moments of self-deprication. 

However.  Those moments of self-deprication, in my opinion, went something like this: “See what horrible, crazy obsessive thing I did!  That was nuts!  But everything worked out and I was right to be crazy obsessive!”  So, not really so depricating at all. In fact, in some places it could be read as outright bragging.  But she’s also conflicted about some of her decisions – which is of course why she wrote the book and what makes her sympathetic and not a complete tyrant.

One thing we debated was the difference between a Tiger Mom and  Helicopter Mom. (The helicopter parent is one I’ve been meaning to address here, ever since I saw a friend on FB be PROUD of being considered a helicopter mom.  To me, it is ALWAYS a negative.  No one would label THEMSELVES as such, and if they do, they clearly don’t mean the same thing as I do.)

I explained my view of the difference with a situation that happened while I was teaching.  I received a call AT HOME from an irate father, who was ticked off that I had given his son (a junior in high school) enough tardies that he ended up with detention, which in turn affected his GPA.  Here’s how the different parents would react in that situation:
Helicopter parent - call teacher, blame her for tardies.  Then call school to complain about policies.
Tiger parent – shame the student for getting the tardies, accuse them of letting down the family, dishonoring the family name, forbid any extra activities that could be perceived as resulting in the tardies, drop of child at door of school for the rest of the year.

 I don’t want it to sound like the book was totally over the top.  Yes, Chua held her daughters to incredibly high standards, but those expectations and the amazing results (both daughters played at Carnegy Hall) would not have been possible without a combination of good genes for both academics and music, and the financial resources to pursue the music lessons and teachers that enable that kind of success.  And yes, we definitely felt that Chua resorted to extreme measures, some bordering on abusive.

But, there is something to be said for having high expectations for your kids and pushing them to do their best, even if they don’t WANT to.  Chua is right in that American parenting has started to lean too far towards giving everyone a 1st place trophy and letting kids quit an activity when it is no longer “fun”.  Chua says, “Kids don’t know what is best for them. If you let them choose what they want to do, they’ll sit on Facebook for 10 hours.” (loose quotation – and I’d probably do the same thing!)

Obviously not every parent can afford the kind of music lessons and trips overseas that Chua and her husband (both Harvard professors) can.  However, ANY parent can tell their child (as I recommended when I was teaching), “You will spend THIS amount of time studying every night, whether you have homework or not.”  It’s not about having your child like you at that moment, it’s about investing in their future, so when they look back they appreciate your energy and don’t wish that you’d made them work harder.

Another major issue we addressed was why it is that so few parents in our area (specifically Fargo, more broadly the Midwest) have expectations for their kids to attend the “right” colleges?  On the East Coast especially, it seems that if your child doesn’t go to Harvard or Princeton, they are a disappointment.  Is this an exaggeration or a stereotype?  There are SOME parents here who will fight for each GPA percentage and push for the Ivy League schools, but in general is seems that the state universities are the expectation.

Do the parents in the Midwest have too low of goals for their kids?  Or do WE have it right and THEY are expecting every student to be the top in their class?  I think a large portion of our attitude comes from the Scandinavian/German heritage that is so predominant.  These are practical cultures – I can just hear and German grandparent say, “Why pay so much and go so far away when you can get the same degree here?  Then you can help plant the fields in the spring!”  And I think that grandparent definitely has a point.  No Norweigen or German parent would take out a 2nd mortgage on their house for their child’s music lessons.

**********************************************
In the middle of this discussion, I made my confession.  HERE’S a confession for you: It seems that I always end up making a confession at book club.  But anyway, my confession this time was that sometimes I want to be truely excellent at something.  Like this blog, for instance.

I told this to Aaron once, and he said, “But Liz, to be really great at something, that one thing needs to be ALL YOU DO.  And you like to do LOTS of things.” 

Isn’t THAT the truth?  When I started blogging, I had big dreams of someday being a “BIG” blogger – you know, one that gets sponsers to go to cool places, like Maggie.   But bloggers like that write as a full time job, and, well…I don’t WANT a full time job.  I want to be a stay-at-home mom who takes on various projects and hobbies.  Maybe at some other point in my life I’ll have time for excellence (I’d love to be an excellent teacher!).  But for now, I’ll settle for being “pretty good” at multiple tasks.

End of confession.

***************************************
Chua demanded excellence of her daughters, in academics and in music, specifically piano and violin.  And to accomplish excellence, that is ALL. THEY. DID.  And, for better or for worse, they acheived excellence.

What saves the book from leaving a bad taste in your mouth for Chua and her parenting strategies is the fact that when her second daughter Lulu rebells…and rebells, and rebells, she realizes that she needs to choose between sticking to her parenting guns and possibly severing her relationship with her daughter or giving in and letting Lulu have her own way.

And she gives in.

As readers, we breathe a sigh of relief, and decide that maybe we can like Amy Chua, and that she’s human and not a Cylon. (Sorry, we are immersed in watching Battlestar Gallactica right now.)

In excerpts from the book that have been published elsewhere, there is no mention of the sweetness that Chua also shares with her daughters – cuddling in bed, lavish birthday parties, high praise for their successes.  Chua does an amazing job at compartmentalizing her life, and this book is solely about the Tiger Mother  – not her relationship with her daughters, not about her marriage or how her husband feels about her pushing…she says that is HIS book to write.  And I hope he does write the book.

************************************************

Have you read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother?   Did you have any sympathy for Chua, or did you think her daughters must be psychologically damaged?  The jury is still out on that last part, since her oldest daughter is just starting college (after being accepted at Harvard AND Princeton, I believe.)  But it sounds like they will be just fine.